Creep walked up the dark stairway, slowly stepping so that the sound of his approach could not be heard. It would do no good for him to get this close to his quarry and be discovered. He was almost to the Tristan Building’s penthouse, where Concetta had said that the Fae Wynerhe stayed. The Fae had been first on the list of names in the folder that Creep had stolen from Gatekeepers and so he would be the first to die, simple as that. Concetta had said that it would be hard, had said that Fae were so immersed in magic that killing one was nigh impossible. Well, he intended to prove her wrong.
At last, Creep reached the door that led into the penthouse. He put his ear to the door, listening to the sounds within. There was talking, laughter, and the sounds of glasses and bottles. So, Wynerhe was having a little get together with some friends. The prospect of an audience didn’t daunt Creep; but just who that audience might be did. If it happened to be some other Fae, then he might have to call off this until later. He didn’t know how bad facing off against one Fae might be, he wasn’t about to take on more than one.
Creep opened the door enough to let in a sliver of the room. A head of long blond hair was closest to him, looking the other way. A white haired woman sat across from the blond haired head, laughing and chatting with whoever, or whatever, it was. A sable black leopard was lying on the couch to one side of them, cleaning its fur with a very serene air about it. A turtle monster, with a slime-green shell and water bowl head, sat across from the leopard and nibbled on a bit of cucumber.
What to do now? Creep looked at the scene before him, watched the owner of the blond head and the white haired woman drink from their wine glasses and laugh. There seemed to be either two choices here: fight or flight. He could not fly, he had come this far already. But he did not know what kind of fight he would be in for. He was not sure of what the turtle monster would do, and was even less sure of what the woman might try. She could be the queen witch of spiders, for all he knew.
As he watched the four in the room, something began to tug at Creep’s mind. There were only four of them, and only two were definitely enchanted. With any luck the leopard would just be an ordinary one that could be dealt with by a regular bullet to the brain. The woman was probably just some girl that the blond head, which Creep was beginning to believe was Wynerhe, had brought in from some party. This was going to be a piece of cake. Get in, take care of Wynerhe, and get out.
Creep pushed the door open and strode into the room. The door creaking and his footsteps falling on the wooden floor caught the attention of those in the room and they turned towards him. Their faces were stricken with surprise. The turtle monster let out a little hiss and the leopard growled deep in its chest.
“What are you doing?” the blond head asked him. Creep paused. The man before him, for that was what he was, was familiar. Creep had seen him before, once before, in the beams of a pair of headlights.
“Looking for someone named Wynerhe,” Creep said. “You seen him?”
“I am he,” the blond haired man said as he got to his feet.
“Oh good,” Creep said. He pulled out his guns and put one to Wynerhe’s head. “Thanks for making it easy for me.”
The leopard began to tense up its muscles to pounce on Creep. Anyone else would not have seen this in time, but he was able to watch as it gathered itself to lunge at him. It sprang forward, graceful power in flight. With no time to aim, Creep pointed his other gun at the animal and pulled the trigger. The bullet shattered the leopard’s neck in a shower of blood and it was blown to the floor. The woman screamed and leapt to her feet. The turtle creature got up as if to attack Creep as well. He pointed the gun at it.
“Not so fast, Leonardo,” he said with a smirk. “This business is between me and Wynny here.” The turtle creature hissed again, so Creep shoved the gun in its face. “Get out of here, now.”
The woman cried and started to walk over to the leopard’s prone form. “No,” Creep said.
“But-but…he might be,” the woman started to say.
“It’s dead,” Creep said. “You can cry over Garfield later. I have business with this one, and you don’t need to be around. It could get messy.”
The woman and the turtle creature paused, both uncertain of what to do. While Creep had indeed frightened them, they did not want to leave their friend.
“It’s all right, friends,” Wynerhe said, holding out a hand to each of them. “Go on. This won’t take long.”
Creep chuckled. The other two still paused. Wynerhe nodded and waved them on. At last they moved on, casting backward glances at Creep. He watched them as they left, waiting until they had closed the door behind them. Then he turned back to Wynerhe.
“I have no idea who you are or just what it is you think you’re doing,” Wynerhe said. “But I assure you that you are making a mistake.”
“Not likely,” Creep said. He put the barrel of his gun up to Wynerhe’s head and began to grind it in. Wynerhe grimaced, more from disgust than from pain. “I know who you are. I’ve seen your face before, my friend. Though I don’t know if you know who I am.”
“I don’t,” Wynerhe said as he backed up a few steps. “I’ve never seen you before.”
“Yes you have,” Creep said. “Three months…”
Wynerhe interrupted Creep with a flash of bright light. White space invaded his senses and he stumbled around, blindly searching for something to take hold of. He found nothing and fell to his back.
Something landed on Creep’s chest. As his vision went from white to the real world, Wynerhe began to batter him with punches. Blow after brutal blow slammed into Creep. He thrashed around, trying to throw off his assailant, but without his sight this was a futile effort. In a sudden rush, his vision returned to him, letting him see the blond haired enchanted above him.
Creep coiled both legs and kicked up, throwing Wynerhe back. He rolled away, taking in deep breaths, trying to recover his strength before his opponent did. The Fae got to his feet in one graceful movement. Creep picked up one of his guns from the floor and opened fire. Thunder boomed in the small apartment as bullets shot through the air, tearing apart the wall, the furniture, odd bits of decorum, everything but their intended target.
Creep picked up his other gun and added its bullets to the mix. But even the extra lead did not help him out. Wynerhe was just standing still, yet the bullets seemed to pass right throw him and hit whatever was behind him.
“Die already!” Creep screamed.
There was a blur where Wynerhe had been standing. A strong force hit Creep square in the chest, sending him flying through the plate glass window behind him. Shards flew everywhere, reflecting the moonlight like so many miniature stars, cascading into infinitely many smaller ones as they hit the tiled porch. Creep slid across the porch and slammed against the railing, the blow taking the wind out of him for a moment. Wynerhe stood before him, the cold wind whipping his blond hair around. With a grimace, Creep got to his feet.
“Begone, foul thing,” the Fae said to him, his voice booming with authority.
Creep laughed. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Well, it isn’t going to happen.” He raised his guns again and pulled the triggers. The left one fired, but the right one clicked on an empty chamber. Wynerhe didn’t even blink as the bullet whizzed past him into the apartment. Something shattered as it found its final resting place. Creep pulled the trigger again, but this gun also clicked empty.
A grim look passed over Wynerhe’s face. Before he could act, there was the sound of an explosion from inside the apartment. Creep was knocked back down by some invisible force, yet Wynerhe remained where he was and looked back to the apartment. A cloud of purple smoke now filled it. Strange things seemed to swirl with in it, and Creep thought he could hear the sounds of flutes, tambourines, and other exotic instruments.
Wynerhe mumbled something. Creep thought it was, “Djinn,” but he could not be sure amidst the sounds of music. The instruments grew louder and louder and louder, drowning out all other sounds in a vicious cacophony. Creep put his hands to his ears to try to keep it out. With a crack like the sound of thunder, there was a flash of light and Creep blacked out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Conrad -
An interesting chapter. Fun to read and look at, but, as Jiggity said and gave reasons for, kind of unbelievable. It's also somewhat thrown together. How long do you generally plan a scene? How in depth do you plan a scene? If you leave too much up to your muse on the fly, things will turn out shaky, trust me.
The fact that Creep didn't shoot Fae in the head after that delicious line of dialogue is beyond me. It's not even a character flaw anymore. It goes beyond that. It's just not realistic. Creep obviously knows how much trouble he's getting himself into by picking a fight with this guy, so why would he spend time stalling? Please, edit this so that he shoots the Fae right after shooting the Leopard. Here, he will find out just like he does later that the Fae is impervious to bullets, but it will have more dramatic effect and make a lot more sense. Pretty much I can only echo was Jiggity said about having some more evidence of the Fae's enchantments, his powers. I understand that Creep is unaffected my magical influences, but he should still trip some wires or something. This is what I mean by planning. If you spend a little more time working on the crust, then the stuff in the middle will be that much more satisfying.
Cut that last part. I find it trite and unnecessary.
Make this line a new paragraph (of the single line variety) and cut the 'well'. It will have a much stronger effect that way.
Anyway. I look forward to more, now that I'm all caught up.
-Kylan
Hola!
I might be wrong but I think there should a comma after 'be'
unnecessary
*
I don't know if I believed this particular segment, or rather the ease with which Creep entered and breached the premises undetected. Now, I'm going to admit to a bias of all things magical here and its probably been one of my biggest issues with this piece on the whole; the notion that a young guy, serial killer alterego aside, could mow down supernatural (that alone says it all, no? Beyond natural, above, better, etc) creatures so easily has always bugged me. But I admit its a personal fault, not to do so much with the writing itself.
In any case, certain realities of the fantasy presented, have to be dealt with. For instance, a powerful Fae creature being sneaked up upon by a human just doesn't cut it for me. What was the phrase you used? "Entrenched in enchantment" I believe; your not going to be able to creep up on such a creature, or get into its apartment without so much as picking a lock, let alone the magical wards which would no doubt have been in activation.
The thing is, its a magical city! Not everyone is good, in it, yes? So, why not have Creep go to some shady criminal section for some black-magic help? Even if its just anti-objects to negate the presence of certain wards, etc. I simply don't believe Creep is that good, you know?
Having said that, let us assume for an instant that Creep did miraculously make it into the apartment without breaking a sweat, has them all by surprise...and then, doesn't shoot. He doesn't immediately shoot the man in the head? Why? It takes more than a few seconds to raise an enchantment, and so it would have been the perfect oppurtunity to take a couple shots, even if the Fae would have dodged them, it would still be smarter than talking. Creep frustrates me so much! XD. He's so obstinate and narrow-minded, I can't believe he's still alive. On the other hand, this is sorta good because it seems I want him to succeed after all. I like my hero's to be competent, after all, and his "Well, even if it is uberly magical and immortal, I'm still, like totally up for it" attitude really annoys me because at the core, it just seems stupid.
Character flaws = good though! Irksome, but at least realistic, I guess. His inconsistency is a little trying, to be honest...but ultimately human? XD I've been no help here, I'm rambling...
It was well written for the most part, but it didn't really blow me away and the ending was a tad confusing. I assume the next chapter will clear things up but, so I'll withhold judgment.
Cheers
Hey, Connie! =D
Grammar and First Impressions
Just say the leopard tensed. I think we tried to hard making it fancy when really, it doesn't need fancy. ^^
I don't understand the gesture he's making. I think you want Wynerhe to signal them onward, but this makes it sound like he's handing them something or offering to take their hands. You know?
Repetition of "porch."
You say blond quite a bit, so I think we can drop that now. ^_^ Maybe explain its texture? Ooh, that'd be neat!
Whozzat?
After reading the first few paragraphs, I'm still uncertain as to who Fae Wynerhe is. Creep seems to know, and Concetta does. Am I supposed to be afraid for Creep? It sounds like I am because Concetta said it was impossible to kill one. However, my brain just skimmed over that and continued as if I knew who he was and I should be scared. We don't want the reader to try. We want them to do without even thinking they're doing it. ^_^
Now later, I find out some of Wynerhe's character, but I'm kind of confused as to who he is, and I think it's because of my comprehension today. >_< However, is Wynerhe a calm and collected figure? (Outside of battle.) Or is he a little more cautious than I think? I saw Wynerhe as a calm villain like in one of Kylan's stories, but that wasn't really portrayed here. He was standing and was very cautious when he noticed Creep's entrance (which I didn't remember him standing xD).
Where Am I?
I actually kinda know where we are, but I do think the explanation of the room set-up can be improved. You only told me the inhabitants, and it sounds like each character is important 'cause you mentioned the aminals too. This is fine, but it sounded like you were just saying it or like you were forced to tell the reader, I guess? If the aminals have to be introduced later or some such, than so be it, but we don't want to pile everything on the reader in one go, yes? =D
Overall
I really liked this chapter! I think Wynerhe's character could be fleshed out a bit more. He sounds like a cool villain. I like those calm and collected villains who seem to expect everything that'll happen. xD It makes it seem the hero may not win this time, and really, Creep didn't win this time, did he? Hence, I liked this chapter. ^_^
Not much to eat up, so I hope what I said made sense. xD
Keep writing! =D
Jabber, the One and Only!